“Healthy body, healthy mind”, his mother used to say,
“You get your diet right, my boy, you’ll never go astray”.
She knew, one day, he’d have to try to make it on his own.
Now, at the tender age of 44, her boy was leaving home.

Alas, for Cedric Pilkington, not all went as he planned,
The cost of rent and bills left very little in his hand.
Beggars can’t be choosers, if it were edible, he’d try it,
But he would have to find some other way to supplement his diet.

“You need your carbohydrates” Mum was very fond of saying,
So to the park he went, where little kiddiwinks were playing.
Where folks were feeding duck, poor Cedric followed them around,
And nicked the bits of bread the ducks left lying on the ground.

A few such paltry morsels hardly constitutes a dish,
So in pursuit of protein, he resolved to catch a fish.
He made himself a rod and tied to it a piece of string,
And went down to the harbour … and predictably fell in.

Some honey would enhance his little bread feast he concluded,
So off he went, to try to find some wild bees … just like Pooh did.
He found a likely looking tree but … wouldn’t you know? …
Was defeated by a devastating bout of vertigo.

At times of crisis, Cedric turned to the words of dear Mama,
“Make sure you get you roughage dear, to keep you regular”.
That’s something he could do at least – the farmer wouldn’t mind
If Cedric picked the ears of corn the workers left behind.
(a biblical reference … good eh!)

Alas, by this time hunger had disturbed his state of mind,
And Cedric failed to hear the tractor coming up behind.
The driver was distracted, in his duty sadly failed.
Before you could say “Oi Cedric!” he was combined, threshed and bailed.

They extracted him and put him back together as best they could,
And buried him with dignity, the way of course they should.
And it was generally accepted; though the vicar didn’t say,
It was the healthy diet he pursued that carried him away.


Keith Miller (1995)