The boss said “For a fortnight I’m away on holiday
I need someone reliable to help while I’m away
I’ll make it worth your while – you’ll get a bonus, cash in hand”
I checked my empty wallet and replied “Right, I’m your man.”

“It’s not exactly onerous” the gaffer said to me
“But it involves a measure of responsibility
I have this big aquarium – runs right along the wall
The fish are all exotic, and they’re valuable an’ all.

The trouble is with fishes, they don’t travel very well
The water tends to slop about on t’way to the hotel
I find it’s best to leave ‘em undisturbed here as you see
So long as someone comes to feed them periodically.”

I figured this should be within my capability
I felt quite chuffed to be entrusted with the boss’s key
He gave me clear instructions, which he wrote down to be sure
And so’s I wouldn’t lose ‘em, pinned them firmly to the door.

“You mustn’t over-feed them” – he made that very clear
“Just one spoonful out of this box and chuck it just in here
And every other day’s enough, they really don’t eat much
And this is where I’m staying, ‘case you need to get in touch.”

I couldn’t see the need for that, I mean, what could go wrong?
It’s hardly rocket science, so I said “You run along –
Enjoy your break in Liverpool, and leave it all to me
Your fishy friends are in safe hands while you’re on holidee.”

I popped in every other day, exactly as he said
So I was quite surprised to find them one day, looking dead
Instead of swimming round and round and lunging at their food
They floated limply on the top - things didn’t look too good.

For a moment I considered whether I should emigrate
Despite his placid nature, this might make my boss irate
Should I break it to him gently, on the ‘phone – “Hi boss, they’re dead.”
That seeming like a bad idea, I ‘ phoned a friend instead.

This mate of mine, in my eyes, was a sort-of fishy vet
He kept a tank of fish himself, and hadn’t killed them yet
He heard the panic in my voice, and came round right away
“I think them’s all is corpses” was the best that he could say.

At least he spotted quickly the origin of their malaise
The tank’s electric heater had “malfunctioned” as they say
Instead of being tropical, with temperatures to match
They were swimming in the Arctic, and exotics don’t like that.

Despite the gloomy outlook, we resolved to have a go
And try resuscitation, although how, we didn’t know
We boiled a kettle, poured it in, then boiled it up again
But alas, our valiant efforts would turn out to be in vain.

Just one small fish, named Fergus, responded to our care
And when the boss returned next week, he found just Fergus there
He took it very well, through grief was written on his face
But, looking on the bright side, Fergus had a lot of space.

He never said he blamed me, though he never asked again
He still took lengthy holidays, but never told me when
I’d like to prove I’m capable, if I only had the chance
Though next time, I’d make jolly sure he paid me in advance.

Keith Miller (2014)